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Talk:千本桜 (Senbonzakura)/@comment-86.245.26.248-20181130200601
The translation is very clunky and, frankly, the too-simple words used sometimes fails to convey the original meaning because the definitions are too broad. Here are where improvements can be made. ハイカラis not plush. It implies obsession with the West, the haughty middle class, and refers to this atmosphere in the Meiji era, when used in modern context. "White-collared revolution" would be better, not only to imply the haughty middle class, but also to imply the obsession with "White" culture. 磊々落々is too complex to be translated as "Free and easy". It means easygoing, without sweating the small things, carefree. If I'm being really literary, it can be "Forbearing and rustic" - rustic referencing to the carefree and clueless atmosphere of countrymen, or geographically Japan, an isolated nation. 反戦国家is indeed literally "antiwar country" but no one uses that term. "Pacifist regime" is more fitting. 二輪車転がしis NOT "pedaling a bicycle". That is one way to look at it, and that's merely your interpretation. Keep the ambiguity, say "Rolling two-wheels". 環状線is not "Ring lines", it's peripheral lines 戦国無双is too brief to be translated to "incomparably strong in warring states". It's too clunky. "Unmatched among warmongers" perfectly transfers the context. 浮世の随にis not "As the way the transient world goes round". Contextually it's "Life goes on as this floating world (our world) goes on" so, the phrase "As our fleeting world dictates" would fit better. "A thousand of cherry trees" isn't even grammatically correct. "Cherry trees thousandfold" has a poetic tone and is fitting for the refrain. 夜に紛れis NOT "under cover"! How did you even manage to get that? It's "to be confused with", or "to mix so well that it's indistinguishable". Since we're talking about trees, the phrase "entwined with night" fits nicely. 君の声もis not "Your voice", it's "EVEN your voice.." 此処は宴is not "This is a feast". It's "Here lies a feast" or "Here is a feast". If you want to convey the atmosphere, I would use "Herein rages a feast". 鋼の檻isn't quite "a steel cage", I would use "cage of steel". Just a slight imprecision, maybe not too much to fret about. "Darkness of Eternal World, Buddhist Cosmology" Okay I get this is hard to translate but this is ridiculous. Don't get too direct with the translating, just try to transfer the context/emotion that a native Japanese speaker would feel if he/she reads the text. 三千世界is the "universe". As in, everything that comprises it and all the worlds combined. So, "an encompassing universe" or "A transcendent universe" - would work - use something that makes us feel small in comparison. As for 常世之闇、the character 常isn't really "Eternal", that would be "永". 常 means ever-existing, perpetual, or something that's always there. "A wailing song cannot even be heard" - Awkward phrasing. It's "Even the wailing songs, shall not/cannot be heard". 打ち抜いてisn't "Shoot out". It's to pierce through, to shoot through. "Looks like a battled-hardened army officer" - Context is misread. Please see the sentence structure, the 将校(officer) is referencing the 見た目(appearance), not the battle-hardened. So it's the battle-hardened posing itself as an officer. I would use "The battle-hardened, veiled as an officer". "Going and coming on the way of Oiran" - Context is misread, once again. "Oiran" (花魁) isn't a place!! It's a courtesan! Contextually it means that one is going around and about, onlooking at courtesans along the way. It's difficult to express this the way it is, but I came up with "Loitering about with courtesans, truly a wanderlust". You know, excuse the shitty pun there. 集まれisn't close in, what the fuck? That's for chasing someone. It's "gather around". |} Here's my own translation, if you don't mind (don't worry, I did my research before translating the difficult idioms) Bold and fearless, a white-collared revolution Forbearing and rustic - a pacifist regime Rolling two-wheels, with a crest of the Rising Sun Begone, evil spirits - ICBM Through the peripheral lines, darting and dashing Hurriedly toiling about, no big deal Young men and women, unmatched among warmongers As our fleeting world dictates Sakuras thousandfold, entwined with night Even your voice, shall not reach here Herein rages a feast, a cage of steel From that guillotine, looking down upon A transcendent universe, gloom of the empyrean Even the lamenting songs, shall not be heard The indigo skies, lies faraway yonder With that ray gun, impale the azures! The battle-hardened, veiled as an officer Loitering about with courtesans, truly a wanderlust That guy, this guy, everybody round up A saint march - one, two, three, four Passing through under the Zen gate The blissful lands, driving out evils Surely the finale will be laded with happiness In-between the applauding, Cherry blossoms thousandfold, entwined with night Even your voice, shall not reach here Herein rages a feast, a cage of steel From that guillotine, looking down upon A transcendent universe, gloom of the empyrean Even the lamenting songs, shall not be heard The hills of hope, lies faraway yonder With that flash grenade, signal the skies! Through the peripheral lines, darting and dashing Hurriedly toiling about, no big deal Young men and women, unmatched among warmongers As our fleeting world dictates Even your voice, shall not reach here Herein rages a feast, a cage of steel From that guillotine, jumping right off! Cherry blossoms thousandfold, entwined with night You shall sing, and I shall dance Herein rages a feast, a cage of steel Here, with the raygun, do go ballistic!